Dating a woman who's hot when you're not is a recipe for insecurity, for sure. The thing is, who's to say you're not a cutie? After all, she's chosen to go out with you. Beware of insecurity. It can take you -- and your relationship -- down a dark path. Insecurity happens when we feel uncertain about our worth and our place in the world. Insecurity that is not addressed often leads to great pain and can destroy a relationship. Get on top of it now to project the confidence that will put the woman you're dating at ease.
Know You're Not Alone
If you feel as though you don't measure up when you take a good look at the woman you're dating, you're probably suffering from impostor syndrome. Over 70 percent of people feel this way at one time or another, says psychologist Denise Cummins in the Psychology Today article, "Do You Feel Like an Impostor?" Non-supportive friends can amplify this feeling, says Cummins, so make sure you surround yourself socially with folks who build you up instead of ribbing you about your girlfriend needing glasses.
Get a Grip
Own your thoughts, says Cummins. People tend to remember negative events over the positive. When you find yourself remembering the school dance where no one would dance with you, replace that thought with one about how you impressed the ladies with your DJ expertise. Do this every time a negative thought creeps in and threatens to undermine your confidence and you'll soon begin to feel less like the ugly duckling.
Expose the Lie
Identify the cause of your insecurity, advises clinical psychologist Joseph Nowinski in his book, "The Tender Heart: Conquering Your Insecurity." For example, if you have always been lovingly teased by your family for your big ears, you may have internalized the idea that you are unattractive. Think back to the situations that have led to the insecurity and choose to look at them in a different light. For example, perhaps your family couldn't find anything else to poke fun at, so they chose your ears. You must be pretty good-looking if that's the only thing they could find "wrong" with you.
Insecurity leads to people setting up unrealistic expectations, notes Nowinski. For example, your insecurity may lead you to believe that unless your gorgeous girlfriend is always smiling and laughing, she must not like you. You become convinced that she's contemplating a way to dump you. After an unnecessary argument, you discover that she just found out that she might not get into the college of her choice. Once you recognize the mind tricks that your insecurity can play, it will be easier to overcome it. Remember that your girlfriend is a mere human with good days and bad days. Concentrate on being a good listener and attentive companion, and you needn't give another iota of attention to your insecurities.
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