Making small talk is important when you first start dating, but when deepening your relationship, conversations that delve beneath the surface will help forge a stronger bond. Talking to your boyfriend about your dreams and fears shows that you trust him -- and want him to open up as well. The trick is using the right questions to get those deep conversations started.
Ask hypothetical questions to get your boyfriend talking about his hopes and dreams, using suggestions first conceived by psychologist Arthur Aron and cited in the Psychology Today article, "How to Grow Close By Asking the Right Question." Say, "If you were to imagine the most perfect day, how would you spend it?" Get at his bucket list by asking what he would like to do before he dies. Crank up the pressure with the question, "If you knew you were going to die in one year, what would you want to do before then?" These questions tap into his dreams and goals -- some of which he may have forgotten.
If you and your boyfriend don't know each other well, bring up personal topics. Ask him what he is most grateful for in life, what he feels is his greatest accomplishment or worst memory. Ask him to tell you his life story -- and then tell him yours. If you already know a lot about each other, try to learn more about his daily life. Say something like, "What are two things that happened to you today, and how did you feel about them?" suggests psychologist Gary Chapman, in the book, "101 Conversation Starters for Couples."
The best way to deepen your relationship with your boyfriend is to talk about the two of you. Use Aron's questions: "What three things do you think we have in common?" "What do you value most in our relationship?" or "What qualities attracted you to me?" Ideally, these questions will spur conversations in which you share your answers as well -- so that it doesn't become an interrogation session. Remember, the goal is to become more deeply connected, not push the other person away.
If you feel brave, consider broaching those conversation topics that are normally off limits during polite small talk. Rather than asking for his political views or religious beliefs directly, however, broach the subject in a subtle way. For example, you might ask your boyfriend his opinion about the student council election or whether he attends church. Remember that these can be touchy subjects, so be prepared for him not to answer if he doesn't feel comfortable. If you plan to be together for a long time, eventually these issues will come up, so there may never be a better time.
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